Relax man.

So many women have heard this phrase so many times in their lives. Relax. Don't react. Don't make things ugly. Don't disrespect the wonderful person who's making life hell for you. Don't allow the atrocities to be highlighted. Don't make a mountain hill out of a mole. Don't raise your voice against things that matter. Don't give enough importance to your independence. And the list continues. And not saying that this doesn't happen with men, they get plummeted really bad at times, but this post is more edging towards the tone and control that is used against women.

Usually most of my posts are the result of a trigger, something that really angers me. And regrettably, many times I relax and don't address the issue but this post was long coming. In that juncture of my life where me/my parents want me married , friends married and friends looking to get married, there have been so many instances and versions of the relax. Because when I say something that doesn't sit quite right with me, I am usually asked to tone down and think about what the society will label me as, the same crowd that pesters my parents about my marriage, the same crowd whose own marriages are not exemplary, the same crowd who have children who have gone against their wishes and chosen bliss elsewhere. For the lack of a stronger word as I type, it irks me so much that my personality and choices are scrutinized by someone who is not even authorized the least bit to do so.

There are multiple angles to this scenario but I am going to vent a bit about the angle which bothers me the most. As a 25 something(damn) who has gone through the rigor of Bharat Matrimony and similar social evils, there have been so many versions of the relax that I have encountered and been put through. From being asked to put more make up to look presentable, to being asked to dress down to hide the supposed flamboyant personality, to being asked to more like "myself"(when actually all they want is me to match their impossible standards) and to being asked to "adjust and compromise" a bit more, it's purely evil.

The problem lies not with the arranged marriage set up, the problem starts when the issues that matter are disregarded and everyone starts focusing on things that make absolutely no sense. I cannot fathom how unreal expectations are put forth, only to be crushed when the other person insists on fair play. Parents insist on providing top notch education for their girls and insist on them topping all classes and exams, only to reduce to them to an entity that should behave/dress in a way that will please a boy and his family. This paradox I cannot understand till date and only hope that in coming generations, when the lot I know has children, destroy this hypocrisy. We emphasize on becoming modern and progressive, but at the end of the day, we tell the daughter/sister that she needs an identity tied to a brother/father/husband to be accepted into the society.

And god forbid, if she refuses, if she speaks up, if she insists on being treated fair, there will a slew of relatives and the good-ol-aunty who will admonish your parents for raising a terribly mannered independent modern girl who cannot respect her future husband/in-laws. I do not want to relax when such atrocities are being downplayed, such hypocrisies are allowed to exist and we still make such a big deal when the girl says that she doesn't really fancy cooking 3 course meals on a daily basis. Some women have worked and faced brunt for an entire generation to ensure that women don't comply to everything that is put forward to them, but here we are, complying and internally justifying social evils just to please someone else. Not every tradition or custom is bad, but the most important thing here is "choice".

I see so many women go through emotional guilt trips when they refuse or stand up to something, because at the back of their minds, there's always the self doubt of whether we are worth the trouble. I cannot insist enough that there is nothing wrong with making your choice, standing by your choice and making the choice to be utterly, and totally happy with whatever you decide. So much power to this.